Is my daughter destined to be an only child?

OK, I might not be able to blame the MS for this one. But it's so easy to, because we were only just trying for another baby when it all happened last year. it has completely taken me by surprise how much it hurts to go month after month with no news. The number of times that I have read into the tiniest sign and built myself up, only to be disappointed. And then I try to tell myself that it will be fine for Sophie to be an only child. And then I look on the internet to see what other people in my position say, and it didn't help, because I am now wondering what I'm going to do when Sophie asks for a baby brother or sister. She is a sociable little girl, and I don't want her to be lonely. There are only so many times other people are going to let me borrow their children for play-dates!!!

My brother and I aren't especially close, but I do hope that if things ever got really bad for our Mum, then we would be there for each other. I don't find it easy having a parent with MS, and I worry about leaving Sophie alone to deal with that. And then there is the plain old selfish reason for wanting another one - babies are cute.

This is what I don't get about the "oh well, you're lucky to have one." Yes, that is so true, but it also means I know exactly what I'm missing. And when lack of experience means that you get something wrong, or you feel you haven't the most of having that tiny baby, you just look forward to another opportunity to do it again.

And anther facet to it is all my friends that I made when I first had Sophie have all had their second babies, and the regular coffee meetings are likely to start once the chaos subsides. I can't face them, which I feel guilty about because I'm taking another opportunity away from Sophie to play with other children.

Anyway, it's not a done deal, so fingers crossed.

What do say to people when they try to "help" with kind words of "wisdom".

We have been working so hard over the last three months to come to terms with what has happened. I have to admit that the only way I can do it is to take each day at a time. Thinking about the future does me no good at the moment. So of course I come across as very bubbly and positive, because Daniel is well. I can't see the point in ruining all our nice days together by being down about what might or might not be. I'm sure that anyone reading this who has an idea of what could be in store for us would understand.

Why then do people feel the need to point out to me that I should be prepared for trouble ahead, because my husband has a progressive illness? I obviously know this. My mother has it. I worked in the care sector and provided care for people who have very severe symptoms. Do they honestly think that if I spent time crying into the sofa in the small hours of the morning now, that it would somehow make it better if it does one day happen like they say?

I need to find a nice way to let them know that this only makes things worse. Maybe a similar thing would work for those well meaning people who say, "oh I know what you mean. My husband gets pins and needles sometimes".

Still going good

Dan's symptoms are still receeding. Trying really hard to keep myself on the ground!

Finally some good news (we hope)!

For the last two weeks, Daniel's symptoms seem to be receeding. It is possible that he is in remission. This is the first ever blog post I have made where I don't have to try really hard to put a positive spin on it!

Keeping calm, carrying on

Since Daniel's diagnosis, I have been diagnosed with depression. I have been told that I'll cope better when I am able to accept his MS. That makes me angry. How could I accept this? Why should I accept this? Accepting it feels like giving up the man I know and love. I will never do that. I have been told that I need to grieve for the man I have lost. I have not lost him. I will not grieve. I have been told I should grieve for the life we have lost. We still have it. I will not grieve.

Instead, I'll take my medication, keep calm and carry on. We are a happy family. We have a lot to look forward to. I need to be strong for my family. Help them to enjoy what's good in life. What place does grieving have there?

The future will be different from what we had planned. We were trying for another baby. We have stopped. I grieve for that. MS doesn't take over our lives now, I know that in the future it could. Will I grieve then? I don't know. I'm not planning on letting that happen. I know my husband isn't either.

The day that changed our lives

What does it take to get a man to visit the doctor?

January 2009

Him: I think I have sciatica.
Me: Nurofen will help, it shouldn't last longer than two weeks.

Two weeks later

Him: I still have it, the nurofen doesn't work.
Me: I think you should visit the doctor.
Him: Hmmm

I worry that it could be MS, but I don't tell him.

June 2009

We are on holiday. We have an argument. Finally Dan tells me what is bothering him.

Him: I am so scared. My arm is numb and I don't know why. It's been going on for months. My other arm was numb last week.
Me: It'll be alright. You have been very stressed. It could be that. Perhaps you should go to the doctor.
Him: Hmmmm.

I worry even more. I notice that he sometimes stumbles.

July 2009

Him: My legs are numb.
Me: You really should go to see a doctor.
Him: Hmmmm

August 2009

Him: My legs are numb

I cannot repeat the rest of what he said, but the jist was that his private areas were numb.

Me: You need to go to the doctor.
Him: OK, I think I will.

So that's what it takes.

He finally goes to the doctor.

I wait for him to come home, distracting myself with housework. He walks in and announces, "My doctor put her finger up my butt, and now I need to go to A&E."

I couldn't help but giggle.

At A&E

They think the problem is in his spine. The orthopedic doctor looks worried. She sends him for an MRI.

After a few tense hours, we hear that the scan is clear. "We are sending for the neurologist," they say.

The neurologist arrives. After a lengthy exam, he says, "We need to find out what's causing the inflammation in your central nervous system. " He arranges another MRI.

The day that changed our lives

We arrive at the hospital to get the results of the scan. Almost as soon as we arrive, we are taken away to a quiet room. The neurologist is there. He shows us the scan. "I'll be straight with you, Daniel," he says. "Your symptoms are being caused by inflammation, like we thought. I need to be straight with you, you have Multiple Sclerosis."

Bang, the bomb drops.

I know we are lucky

Some people go for years with unexplained symptoms before they find out they have MS. It's called limboland. There is a lot of help out there for people with MS and their families. If you are in limboland, what do you do? If that is you, the MS society will help you.

We were lucky to find out so quickly, I know that. It doesn't seem to make it any easier though. From when Daniel was first telling me about his symptoms, I found it hard to cope. The three weeks we went through of waiting for the results for the MRI were living hell. The news that it is MS was devastating.

I have a difficult relationship with MS

When I was 12, I found out that my Mother has MS. No one had told me or explained it to me. Just as the school Christmas holiday started, my Mother had a relapse. I knew something was wrong, as she'd always come into my bedroom and fling open the curtains, insisting that I don't waste the day. That day, it didn't happen. I crept downstairs, I could hear my Father on the phone. He was telling someone that she had Multiple Sclerosis, and that she couldn't see. I was so scared. I had no idea what MS was, but it didn't sound good.

A couple of days later, I asked my Mother what was wrong. Despite her insistance, I couldn't shake the idea that it was terminal. Of course, MS is not terminal.

My Mother didn't seem comfortable talking about her MS. I didn't talk to anyone about it. There were problems in my family already. My Father caught me crying once, and told me that I was being selfish. At 12, I was left to do all the domestic chores for the family, under the threat that it was my naughty behaviour that was making my Mother ill. I desperately wanted to leave home.

I stayed at home until I was 18. Once I left, I never wanted to return. My relationship with my parents improved. When I was 21 my parents divorced. In the same year, I met my husband. He was unlike any man I had ever met, and I fell for him instantly.

Blissfully happy and deeply in love with this caring and sensitive man, I married him in 2006. We have been together for nearly nine years now, and I still feel as much in love with him as when we first met, but our love has become deeper. We had our first daughter in 2008. At the start of 2009, Daniel started to loose sensation in different areas of his body. I panicked.

The rest you know.